What only comes from within....

This post will be personal......


Frankly speaking, I've been feeling rather down in overall through this 2011......

Maybe feeling down isn't exactly the right description, perhaps I shall replace it with feeling disappointed...yeah, I think it sounds better....



I started the year from some sort of an all time low...emotionally...but hey, me being me, I got on my feet and I was up and running again pretty soon.....



But just as I thought I could have potentially found myself a positive, life-changing...what I would term as cornerstone of my future...it didn't happen......

It didn't go according to what I had pictured in my mind.....though I was never a hundred percent certain that it would happen, seeing that end product or result or whatever you wanna call it devastated me...thoroughly, especially so when I barely got past my 1st major hurdle for the year.......



Slowly but surely, I got up again, through anger or determination? I wouldn't know, but to not credit either one of them just doesn't seem right....and this was still just barely coming near to March of the year.....


But as March arrived, I received a piece of great news...I am not sure what others would feel and think about it, but from what I knew, this news would be a VERY bad news for them. But to me, it was exactly what I needed, considering that both earlier ordeals still vividly lingers in some parts of my mind and occasionally, in surges, within my heart.....the news of what exactly? I can't reveal it to you, but it is work related and this "project" required me to be consistently and constantly at least at my 100% for a good one whole month......


I did real well for that project, individually, but it wasn't meant to be, the project turn out to be a failure, mainly due to some external factor which I am also reluctant to touch on......


And down to earth I went, again and again, plummeting and landing hard.....the phrase "IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE" which have always been my favourite phrase to console myself with suddenly seemed to have an opposite effect on me....that phrase was just too much to take, used too many times within too short of a period of time.....




I began to wonder if the yearly lunar new year chinese zodiac readings I had chance upon in a mall was really proving me its accuracy.....and from the looks of what had been happening to me throughout this 6 months, even if it wasn't trying to prove me that it's right, I am starting to believe in it.....


And to be honest, to whoever reads this, and especially to myself, my health is deteriorating.....I may look fit, and may have passed my annual fitness test easily, but I know something is wrong with the body of mine. My digestive system, though not the strongest as compared to others, has never given me such a worry before.....but, I have decided, and I have made an executive decision that I shall not be dwelling on it....yet...I shall take the risk and concentrate on my other concerns in life...hopefully, things work out...I have my contented life back and my health would in turn, return back to normal.....




So just as I thought life, this year that is, has thrown in the last challenge its gonna give me, I am up to face another challenge....not that this particular challenge hasn't been faced and dealt with by me before, but to happen again within this year is just bad timing......



But hey, I am still me, and I need to know and remind myself, heck, we all should know and remind ourselves that life isn't about counting back on our regrets, it shouldn't be about what and how many obstacles we have faced. Life should be about what I can do better in the future, what I did to conquer those obstacles and it's usually the littlest things in life that gives life colour......


Like how privileged I was and still am to be part of the team of brave and good men and women in that project....the new and strong bonds that I made over there during the month.....

I should also be thankful that my parents are still around to be taking care of me and them helping me with the miscellaneous stuffs or chores that many others in my age would have already been sick and tired of doing.....



As for this lil' story that might or might not develop further...for now, I apologise....I'm not sure if I am simply just not ready or am I just confused about what I really want to do....but I hope you can understand what kind of predicament I am in.....I am not looking to dive straight in as a failure again would be too much to take....but I know time is not on your side.....if it doesn't work out now, at least I wasn't really attached to it....I know it sounds really cruel and selfish....but I gotta do what I gotta to do to protect myself.....




Before I go......a little something in which in life, we should learn to take some time to appreciate in order to have known what life is....

lyrics from a song, beautiful melody with wonderful vocals.....




Turning Tables- Adele

Under haunted skies I see you, ooh
Where love is lost, your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down.....

I can't keep up with your turning tables,
Under your thumb, I can't breathe....


awakening memories...like never before...